This week, in my Family Relations class, we discussed a lot about love, what it is, how do we define dating/ dates, what our society or we assume dating means. So the first question, What IS love?
You are probably automatically singing "What is Love" by Haddaway right? But seriously? What IS love anyways? The problem I have defining this is that everyone has their own view point or understand of what love is, so I'm going to spare you with the idea of what I think love is. Instead I'm going to tell you a story of when I was first in love.
It happened three years ago on my birthday. It was a snowy Sunday morning as I headed down to church. As I walked inside a few of my friends said Happy Birthday to me and ask how old I was going to be and what plans I was having that day. One of my friends asked what I was doing later in the evening and I told him that I was having a small birthday party with my family. He asked if I was doing anything afterwards and replied with no. He said that I should go over to his Grandparents house (who I knew and lived a couple houses away from me. He was staying there so he could go to the local college) So I accepted his offer and enjoyed the rest of church.
Later in the evening my brother, his wife, and their two kids came over and we celebrated my birthday with ice cream and presents. After the party I headed to my friends house and when I walked in a few of my friends from church and said Happy Birthday to me and gave me a rice krispy birthday cake. Throughout the evening, there was one boy in particular who was attractive in some ways and we talked for a little bit. When he asked me what my favorite movie or genre of movies was I laughed to myself and told him that I liked Anime. A boy who was sitting nearby gasped at my reply and immediately asked me what kind of Anime shows have I watched. We both hit it off and became close friends. Within the week we went on two awesome dates and got to know each other very quickly. Sadly the next week I was going to move down to Pahrump, Nevada with my brother, his wife, and their two kids for a month. I was taking online classes and my sister-in-law was my tutor and so I thought it would be good if I went down there with them and help tend the kids.
We went on one last date as a farewell and it was probably the funnest date I have ever had. After the date we both discussed and DTR'd (Determine the Relationship) and it was decided that we would become boyfriend/ girlfriend. While living in Pahrump we remained in contact despite the distance. We skyped a lot and talked everyday. Even though I hated the distance it was still good to remain in connect with him. I actually decided to surprise him by coming down for a couple of days, but the majority of our relationship was long distance. When I came back home from living with my brother, I only had a few weeks before going back to BYU-Idaho for the Spring semester. He had gotten a job in Alaska and we had to depart from each other yet again. We became super close before this happened and I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with him.
While at school and him in Alaska, we still remained in contact and things were going great, or so I thought. Halfway through the semester I realized that something was wrong with him and I had to ask him. He confessed to me that he had done something that I knew I couldn't handle. I had made a promise that is something like this would ever happen, I was to not give a second thought and get out of that relationship, however I had realized that I was, in some ways, in love with him and it would inevitably break my heart. I started thinking about the future of us in a different light and I soon realized that, that reality was soon slipping away. I was seriously thinking about marring this guy and a lot of people deemed us "engaged." We had discussed this issue early on into our relationship and had figured a solution, but now that solution wasn't working. It was a hard few weeks as the semester came to an end. We talked less and I needed to have some alone time to think.
Needless to say I ended the relationship. Even though it's been some years and I have gone a few dates I have come to realize how obscure our view of dating is now-a-days. A good friend of mine talked about dating a few weeks ago and talked about what girls think and what boys think of when we are on the date and we came to the conclusion that dating at BYU-Idaho is absurd! I mean people met and they get engaged by the end of the semester, that's less than three months of getting to know each other. I was dating my ex for 9 months and I was still learning about him and knowing more about him. I can't imagine dating for 3 months and then getting engaged, I think it's just the worse idea ever. But like I said, we have changed our views of what dating is. Dating is when you are going on dates with people, perhaps the same person over and over again. Exclusively dating someone for a long period of time is called courting. What an old fashion word right? But it's also beautiful at the same time. Dating is not just hanging out with someone and thinking of going out on a whim and just doing something without much thought. My professor told my class that dates have three parts: Planned out, Paid for, and Paired off.
Planned out: Who ever asked the other out on a date they make plans for their evening. Whether it's going to the park for lunch, going to see a movie, or shooting nerf guns at each other. Whatever the case may be, the date is planned out for the evening and usually a date lasts 2 hours. That's enough time to get to the destination, talking/ getting to know each other, and having fun around each other. Now if you have been courting with someone for a long period of time, it's good to plan dates or seeing the other person in various situations. Such as when they're stressed, angry, happy, or any other kind emotion. This helps you see who they are and how they handle situations while they're around you.
Paid for: If you are going to the movies (please don't make it a first date, it's awkward and you don't talk to each other or get to know each other. You're just sitting there next to someone you hardly know, so don't take someone out to the movies on a first date.) Or going out to dinner, make sure you pay for it (if you asked them out) Don't make the stupid comment, "Oh! I left my wallet at home." because that makes you look bad and makes a bad impression. So pay for the evening for you and your date, it's a kind gesture and lets them know you plan to take care of them for a few hours. I have asked a few boys on dates and, yes, I did pay for my share and their share. Even if they kindly offered to pay for me and themselves. I let them know that I asked them on the date and I am taking care of their share. They were surprised, but I think it was a good experience for them and myself.
Paired off: This means that you are on your date with someone else. Even if you are with another couple or with a multiple group of people, you are responsible for that person you brought with you and you are in charge of making sure they are in your care. Don't ask the person out on an outing with you and a group of friends and totally ditch them. That leaves a bad impression and can leave the person you asked left out and make the date disastrous.
I'm not saying that you should date longer for 3 months before getting engaged, if that's your thing then good for you, but for me I'd rather date someone for 2 years and then get engaged than know someone less than 2 months before getting engaged. This helps me better understand the person I'm with and see them in different situations and scenarios.
Love is a lovely thing to have and recognize. Sometimes it's hard for me to see those around me I love dearly getting engaged and married or having kids because I almost had that dream and that future. I know I'm still young, but I think it's because it's mostly pressure. Attending at a "Mormon" college with the nickname BYU-I-DO and with my family wanting me to get married before my younger brother is a little nerve racking. I'm still learning and preparing for when I do meet my eternal companion. Maybe it's not today, tomorrow, these last few months of the year, or even next year. Whenever that day arises I hope I will be prepared to love him (which one? Eros, Phillia, Storge, Agape? Different kinds and forms of love.)
Love can't be explained and nor should it. We all experience love in different ways and it has so many meanings that even if you ask everyone what their view on what love is, you still wouldn't know what love is. Even if you have not experience true love from someone who could be your spouse, you still have probably felt love from a friend, or a family member. We have all felt love in some way or form.
"Love is the most beautiful thing to have, hardest thing to earn and most painful thing to lose."
~Unknown
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